Transfer Update

So this is the part I've been dreading: when things stop going perfectly!  This morning was a hard morning and, admittedly, I should have mentally prepared myself a little bit better than I did.  My downfall in this whole process is that I have been very optimistic and hopeful.  Not to say that's not a good thing, but a healthy dose of "reality" never hurt anyone!

I went in this morning around 11 for my transfer and was anxious as ever to hear about the progress of the embryos since I haven't heard anything since Tuesday.  I had to drink 30 oz of water an hour before I came in to make sure my bladder was full so my uterus would sit lower.  I had to pee pretty bad and they kept pressing down on my bladder with the ultrasound--and none too gently!  After waiting for a while they took me back to the procedure room and then the doctor came in and I was sweating bullets!  He immediately informed us (Jake was on the phone) that we only had 4 embryos left.  My heart just dropped.  I was so, so hopeful that by some miracle our results would be drastically different than last time.  I will say that 4 live embryos is much better than last time but the thing about all 4 of these embryos is that they were all growing slow.  They should have all been in the "blastocyst" stage but they were all behind, growing slower than normal.  In my emotional state I neglected to ask if they were even still growing but I assume he would have mentioned it otherwise.  We decided that we would put 3 of the 4 embryos back in.  The fact that we even had an option of putting 3 instead of just 2 embryos in is very telling.  They are going to grow the last embryo to day 6 and if it keeps growing we will freeze it, otherwise we will just discard it.  After watching them put the embryos in I had to lay down for another hour.  My bladder was absolutely bursting at this point and I almost ran out very immodestly just to relieve myself!

I really don't know what to feel about our chances right now.  I got no percentages from the doctor-I didn't even ask because I was just digesting all of the information.  I was very disappointed this morning, shed lots of tears in my hotel bed (yes, I am on bed rest for a day).  I really thought things would be different this time.  Another reason for my sadness is that I feel this really is the end of an era of hope for us.  Now that we have had two fairly bum IVF cycles I officially feel "infertile" (the first one obviously turned out great, but medically speaking it should not have worked).  Duh, right?  I had always felt we would find a solution but now I feel like that hope is gone.  I am so, so grateful for the children and each of the miracles that we have been blessed with.  I am just now realizing what an AMAZING miracle Ethan is.  Wow!  We may very well get pregnant this time too which would be nothing short of another miracle.  I am not shutting the door to that possibility like I did the first time.  Jake feels a lot more hopeful about a positive result this time than last time and I have to admit I do also.  However, the cycle has definitely not worked out ideally like I was hoping!  

Here's to hoping!  Please continue to keep us in your prayers and thank you for doing so thus far.  I will have my blood work pregnancy test next Monday, the 21st.  For those of you who unfortunately witnessed my "breakdown" after my first cycle, please rest assure that I am doing fine.  I don't feel depressed, just saddened.  I probably won't answer my phone today as I just want some time to work it all out in my head!  Please know that we are grateful for all of the support and I/we have really felt the comfort of your prayers today and that is what we needed most of all!